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Friends, Romans, bloggers, countrymen, lend me you ears. In my dire moment of need I appeal to you to stand up for my rights. You will remember that in my previous blog Flipping the bird I told you about that rude, arrogant plover that attacks me every single time that I put my paw on the beach. Well, to my real shame, I must admit: That Bird has turned This Dog into a quivering, spineless jellyfish.

Excuse me, do you really think it is a good idea to walk this way?

Excuse me, do you really think it is a good idea to walk this way?

There is more than one way to get to the beach from our complex, but this-a-way (notwithstanding the fact that it is the shortest path to the beach), is not-a-way that I want to go. I know very well what dangers to expect if I go there. This is the point at which I turn around and go back that-a-way, up our driveway and to the safety of our apartment.

Genis digging in his heels (or at least, applying his brakes on the tarred driveway)

Genis digging in his heels (or at least, applying his brakes on the tarred driveway)

Today I got away with this – my mom drove me all the way to the tidal pool in Mtwalume for my daily swim, but she says I will have to learn to cope with That Bird eventually. But how? That Bird is protected by law and I’m not even permitted to hurt it a little, even if I could get hold of it.

So, I came up with a plan: maybe I can ask my Ouboet to give That Bird just one Lekker Vet Snotklap to teach it a lesson, once and for all. Let me translate this Afrikaans expression –

Lekker = nice or pleasant or enjoyable, but those words are so … vanilla, lame actually. Lekker expresses exuberant, unbridled, uninhibited enjoyment of a situation.

Vet = fat, plump, heavy, but in conjunction with “lekker” it amounts to a massive, ponderous, unconstrained action.

Snotklap = (according to the Urban Dictionary) means “to administer a hard open-handed slap sufficient that it causes mucus that was formerly inside the recipient to come out rapidly”.

So, there you have it. A Lekker Vet Snotklap.

Mom says that is not the way that educated, well-bred people behave. Well, first of all, I’m not a people; secondly I’m a crossbreed and thirdly, if anything is the matter with my behaviour, the blame for my lack of education must be laid at the feet of the parental unit. Not so?

Mom says that argument does not hold water – I can ask anyone who is anybody and they will tell me the same story. Not so, I say, I will ask my friends to vote on the matter and the outcome will be proof that any pet with self respect will opt for the Lekker Vet Snotklap solution in the same situation.

PLEASEVOTEFORME! PLEASEDON’TDROPME! Do it! Now! In this block below MAKE YOUR CHOICE AND PRESS THE “VOTE” BUTTON. If you choose “Other” please comment at the bottom of the voting block and propose another solution.

Let us settle this argument once and for all.

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