This is the 2nd entry in Genis’s diary, made on July 16, 2014
At this point spousal murder was a very distinct possibility. Tensions were running high and the battle became very public on social media.
Have you watched that movie where young boys and girls must take part in The Hunger Games, a televised event in which they must fight to the death until one remaining participant is crowned the victor?
Then you will understand the mood and the tension currently prevalent in our home.
It all started when I was taken to the diet clinic at the Klipriver Animal Clinic where my main adversary in the Hunger Games, that Evil Human with the screechy voice, immediately signed me up for the Hills’s Pet Slimmer metabolic diet.
The game plan was laid out: First the Evil Human packed up and gave away all my comfort food, then she read the riot act to my Favourite Human and recorded her intentions on camera and in the social media. The only weapon I was awarded was my 49g of kibble twice a day, so I had to use all my cunning in the game of self-preservation.
My first plan of action, of course, was to appeal to my Favourite Human. This worked very well … for about half a day, then Evil Human put a full and sudden stop to that. Poor Favourite Human did not stand a chance. He was banned from eating any potato chips, biscuits or chocolates, so as not to tempt me. All his food, from simple sandwiches to juicy steaks he now eats while hunched over the kitchen sink.
In fact, the whole family starting taking turns to eat in the kitchen while one of them played with me outside. I soon got wise to this fact and sneaked into the kitchen, onto one of the chairs and from there it was just a small hop onto the table. The only result was that the chairs were banned from the kitchen and the whole family now eat standing up. This is a catastrophe, cos I’m only a very small dog and cannot reach the table top no matter how high I jump.
I was getting rather hungry towards the end of day one and when Evil Human offered me a few diet pellets, I tried one. It was really chewy and great tasting. Of course I forced her to feed me every single pellet by hand. I knew that she would soon tire of this game. After I drank some water, I no longer felt hungry and did not even miss my usual biscuit treat.
However, I was not going to give in so easily and I turned my attention to other sources. We have a huge backyard with a myriad of birds and pigeons always swarming at the feeder trays. All the trays are elevated, but Favourite Human scatters bread crumbs and left over rice every day for the wild finches and I was desperate enough to share in these meagre pickings. I got away with this only once because, I swear, Evil Human can see through walls and around corners.
I have been taught, since I was just a puppy, that Our Birds and Our Pigeons are the Untouchables. Every now and then though, a Desperate Dog gets a Lucky Break and, lo and behold, when I wandered around in the back garden, I spotted a pigeon lying very quietly in the sun just on the other side of our fence. Closer inspection proved that the pigeon was not merely a little still, it was actually a little dead. So I pawed it through the fence and started feasting. Eating the neighbours’ dead pigeons could not be counted as a Wrong Deed, right? Wrong! Within a few seconds I was spotted and Evil Human started generating a very eerie, banshee-like sound that could be heard for miles.
I was back to eating pellets, not fed to me anymore, but thrown into the air for me to catch, one at a time. This proved to be fun, since I’m a very good catcher and soon I was eating my two portions of 49g a day. I also got a new ball and before every meal I had to play kick rugby with my Humans. This was fun!
Even Favourite Human joined in every now and then, although he was still worried that I was not eating enough. Then Evil Human had the audacity to point out that I was doing a lot of healthy “business” on the lawn. “Surely something must go in the front end in order for so much to come out the other end”, said Evil Human. How embarrassing!
“Also,” she said, “Genis is much more energetic these days. In fact, he jumps up and down like popcorn in a microwave all the time”. That put paid to Favourite Human’s arguments and I must admit, I don’t feel so miserably bloated all the time any more. Evil Human also had things to say about bloating and relieving myself, but that part I will not repeat here.
This morning I was taken along to the diet clinic again and when I was put on the scale, it showed that I have lost 0.8kg of unwanted weight. The Evil One is smiling from ear to ear.
I am afraid that my butt is toast. This war is not going in my favour.
On the bright side, I also visited the Lady and the Tramp Pet Parlour today where I was showered with attention and affection. I do look cute with the blue ribbons in my hair, don’t I?